My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
