Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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