I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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