Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
