Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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