So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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