Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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