Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
