I'm so fucking centered right now
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
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I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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