oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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