Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Oh god it's open bar.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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