i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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