So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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