i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
