i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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