Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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