Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
is this the sara with the beer cane?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
