hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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