Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
