Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
