Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
