What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
