I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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