not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
