Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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