LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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