When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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