my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Someone shattered a urinal.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
