Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
