Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
time to smoke my breakfast
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
