Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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