There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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