A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
