i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
