So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
