I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
