I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
