he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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