Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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