LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
