if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
4 words: hood of his car
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Mom said you looked used
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
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