my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
