I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Too much gin, very little bucket
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
