1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
