I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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