So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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