this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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