new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
