i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
