just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
