I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
