Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
