Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
