There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
